I’m Committed

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When I started writing this Blog, I was so sure. So sure that I “had something”. Something new and exciting and worthwhile.

So sure that people would read it, love it, and want to come back to it. I thought people would be signing up for “this life” with me. I am laughing out loud just thinking about that.

Not that that isn’t possible, it’s just, no one lined up. There was no immediate reaction or event that reassured me “this was it”. Not too many people even talked to me about it, which, looking back, is extremely understandable. Side note: As an Enneagram 2, and a severe crave-er of affirmation, this lingered with me. I went back and forth in my head if I was even going to have anything else to write about. And if I did, who was going to want to come back and read it?

After all these thoughts took me up and down an emotional roller coaster, I realized this is going to be a process. How quickly I forget this! In all things!

Which is funny, because that is exactly what I want this blog to be about. Processing. Working through moments and life with other people. I want this to be a safe spot for you to let your guard down in, so that you can feel what comes to the surface.

I am so drawn lately to quotes and posts and people who talk about the feelings social media and our culture today produce. And yet, I am constantly getting wrapped up in those feelings, weighing them as the Truth, when in reality, I know the Truth.

The Truth is, we are loved and valued by a God who created us, on purpose, and who wants us to feel okay. And when I say this, I mean “okay” as in, God wants us to feel good, and whole, and complete! Secure. Even knowing that we doubt the goodness that is promised to us, even though we have doubts about our actions and circumstances, or the response we get from the world and other people, God STILL loves us and values the steps we are taking on this journey.

How thankful I am that we have a God who doesn’t turn away from us when we doubt that there is good. That he stays even when we think we messed up.

So, here we are. Exactly a month since my first post. (Wow, it seems longer than that!) Yeah, I hid for a little bit, not gonna lie. I worried I didn’t really have enough of an idea to keep going or that it wasn’t good enough to create a direction to continue in at all. I worried that no one wanted to read it, and maybe no one will.

But, today, I heard from God. I heard that I am broken, and messy, and not perfect. I am not whole, but I am whole in Him, because of Him.

So, today, I am committed to continuing with this Blog. I am committed to continuing this journey. And… I hope you are too.

I am committed to fighting through fear and insecurity and discomfort after I hit the “Publish” button on these pots. I am committed to not looking like other Blogs, or not posting on a schedule right now. I am committed because I know that when I get to the other side of all that, it will be worth it. And maybe the “other side” will be the fact that I hit that button. Time and time again. That I show up, lay it all out there, and leave it for anyone to see.

It’s going to be messy, weird, and probably awkward like usual, but that’s okay. The results are going to be so shinny and new and wonderful. And you know what, I am committed to doing that over, and over, and over again, with you. About everything. Because until we are whole with God in Heaven, that is just what we are suppose to do here on Earth – process, reflect, refine, act, share, and love. Over, and over, and over again. And I am becoming okay with that. Excited even.

So wherever you fall on that spectrum of nervousness to excited, let this space be a reset for you, today. Right now. Every time you come here, acknowledge the process you are on in your own life, and brace yourself for the ride! Don’t worry, I am here with you, and so is God.

Here, you will find encouragement to keep on keepin’ on, you will be challenged with ideas, thoughts, imperfections, and God’s Truth. But know this, that you will be in control of how much you grow here. Not me. (Wow, that actually feels good to let go of! ha! Enneagram 2, people!)

My goal, still, is to encourage and facilitate that growth, but it is in your hands once it leaves this space. I know what it is like to be scared and vulnerable. You just saw that above. But, I am rooting for you to grab hold of that because YOU are worth feeling shinny and new and wonderful, too. You are worth all the hard work, the mess, the dirt, the awkward. There is a light on the other side of all this darkness, and you have the chance to step into that now.

So, are you committed?

But Who Are You?

When I started this blog, I knew I wanted it to be a “different” blog experience. Not only for the reader, but for me, as the writer.

I feel a little apprehensive even putting that concept and statement out there in the world. I’m sure there will be eye rolls and criticism. But I really want to be as intentional and as honest as I can in this whole “thing”, so I feel I need to be up front with you, as the reader, right from the start. I want to give you the power to eb and flow with “being a follower” of this blog. To give you permission to feel the emotions that might come up while being “here”. And most of all, I want to encourage you to make the best choices going forward, for yourself and for the life you want to live.

The idea of “different” has been growing in me for a while now. I, almost secretly, want to be at peace with having something different than what I have consumed on my feeds. Different than the idea I’ve created in my head for what a Blogger is. So, my hope for this blog is that someone reading will be encouraged to “find themselves” because the space is left open to do that here. That there will be opportunities to pursue something they know they’ve been hiding or have been hoping to grow into, because it will be here, standing in front of them on these pages. I dream that they’ll laugh and smile, maybe even cry tears of relief or happiness. Those tears that open flood gates which have been blocked with every being of that person’s body. I want people to walk away from these words with hope and encouragement, inspiration and affirmation.

My hope is that that person I’m thinking of, will be you.

Yes, you. I know what a shock this might feel like. But I want it to be beautiful, broken, hesitant, hopeful you.

I know, it’s scary. I’m nervous too. But imagine what it would be like to find clues here. Clues in this magical lush little garden we each have created, filled with greenery and floral on every surface, with vines intertwined so maturely that you’ve forgotten there are walls. This safe, comfortable place we love to explore in, run through, and bask in the sun in. But in this garden, those clues you find, they will guide you on a walk that ends with a key. An old, worn, iron key that unlock those towering, thick, wood doors, hidden away between the vines and bushes. The doors you’ve always known were there, but that you’ve held at bay to open for so long. And as you stand, paralyzed in front of the doors, you know the key also fits in the hole of the heavy, uncomfortable, annoying shackles you’ve been dragging for years. Even in the garden, you’ve felt those heavy chains. But now the door is waiting. And now you have the key.

I know there is more to your story.

There’s more on the other side of that door. There is more to your life, once you are able to drop the shackles and truly run free, without the weight, without the reminder of the shame that came with them.

I also know, nothing you read here will be that magical, life changing spell that takes you from rags to royalty. I know of only one thing, one person, that will do that.

There will still be fog and haze and ups and downs. But through the haze, you’ll still see those flowers. The doors. And you’ll know there is the presence of a good and all knowing spirit calling to you to continue along this journey. This walk you have begun. If you will listen and be open to that voice, it alone will be what changes your life. It is a calm, quiet whisper, inside you, around you, behind and before you.

In the midst of my hopes and dreams for you and for this blog, I can’t help but notice it already looks so different than what I’m used to. I’m used to knowing who is talking to me, and knowing who I am talking to. I’m used to giving them my trust and approval because of that. Because I can see the proof of how “good” their life already is by scrolling through their page.

The question arises in my mind of someone wondering, “so why don’t you share who you are on here” then? And the answer is, because I long to have this experience be different for me so that it can facilitate an experience that is different for you.

An experience that challenges you and excites you, and reminds you who you are and who you want to be.

I have Facebook and Instagram. I have a profile picture, specifically chosen. It spotlights my family smiling, and you know I like the way the filter made me look. But, like I said, this blog is not about me.

It – is – about – YOU.

I decided not to share “who I am” and to exclude a photo to protect my mental health and to leave room for yours.

These pages are created for you to dream. For your mind to take them where you want to see them go. These pages are sacred because they are yours to keep and to cherish and to wrestle with. They are here to challenge you, to encourage you, and speak to you in a way that only you could hear.

You are created beautifully and on purpose, for a reason. All the messy and dirty and hidden you have in you, is okay to bring here. It is more than welcome here. Pour it out, and leave it there so that you can take something else with you. Something you find here that is glowing, and shiny, and new. Little bits and pieces you’ll take with you that will promise hope and new life and a future you can be proud of.

I don’t tell you who I am because I want you to know who you are more.

“You Should Blog.”

My jaw clenches immediately every time I read that title.

Creating a website. Having a following. Being a brand.

Color schemes, scheduled posts, and personalized hashtags.

Even typing out that word, “brand”, just makes me uncomfortable. Cringy.

Stage the shot. Pick the filter. Engage the audience.

It all feels like waaaay too much work.

And yet, does it have to be?

What if social media took a different path. What if it already is?

All the scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. It’s not fun.

And you know what? A lot of people admittedly feel this way.

You know what I think that means?

That we are ready for something new.

Something not only “real”, but authentic to who is behind the keyboard and in front of the screen. Something that’s practical in how it would seep into our every day lives.

I would love to be even a part of “that change”.

But I do not want to keep up with demands that come with being a “blogger”! Insert tired and overwhelmed emoji.

So, you know what? I kind of just decided I won’t be. And I’m guessing a lot of other people have done so too.

After simple thoughts like, “what the heck would I even write?” and “who would even read it?” drift out of my mind, I start to go down complex soul searching questions like, “why do i really want to put my thoughts out there?” Is it to be known?” Heck yeah it is. I’m a 2 on the Enneagram, people. “Is it to have something new that everyone would love?” Yeah, that would be cool. I mean, “That would be fire”. Right? I’m pretty sure that’s what you say now.

But what I really want, is to do it because it contributes to my desired lifestyle and makes me feel more of who I really am. It has taken me a long time to figure that out. And to be honest, I think it just came to me now.

For a while I wanted to blog about parenting. I thought it would be fun to post about “tips and tricks” to keep your toddler busy, or write about how to make friends with other moms. It all seemed kind of typical, scripted stuff you would see on a popular “Mommy Blog”. And then I realized, it’s because it was! I was looking at other bloggers and I wanted to be them. I wanted people to look at me and say, “Wow, she knows what she’s doing”. Ha! But you know what? I don’t! If I want to be my unique genuine self, why would I want to make it seem like I have it all together to people I might never meet? The world of social media is just so complex. I know everyone who is apart of that world, feels this.

I want you to know that I want to be seen and heard and known. And of course, yes, I want to be accepted. The ultimate acceptance for me is for someone to genuinely agree with me and praise me for what I said or did.

I also know, that-is-not-possible!

I can only conclude that my purpose for blogging or writing or whatever it is that God will have me do with “all of this”, is to put out into the world pieces of myself that make me feel seen and heard and valued because they reflect who I am, my values and my heart for other people.

I know there are many people who might get to or even want to get to know me through my writing, but that there are others that won’t, and neither of those people can define my true self or my worth.

So here I am! Becoming some sort of blogger or writer or person that over-shares and rambles and makes you laugh or smile or choke up because you want to tell your story too.

I am not sure what “this” will look like. I know I’ll have words spelled wrong and run on sentences. I’ll have an inconsistent format, I’m sure. But if you ever relate to it, or love something that is said, treasure that in your heart because it belongs to YOU.

Remember that being a blogger does not mean knowing the truth and having it finally figured out. I want to actually have this be the opposite. I want to start this so that people can see how much they have to reflect on in their own lives. I want this to be a safe place to be honest with yourself, FOR YOURSELF, and to come up with real plans and commitments to hold you accountable for who God has so uniquely made you.

We will never fully look like anyone else while we are here on earth, even though we will unconsciously and consciously try our darndest.

We each look like ourselves because God has chosen to make us that way because it is absolutely perfect. And he already knows who you’re going to be and how you’re changing into that. The only person we need to be concerned with looking more like, is Christ.

He is the ultimate friend, caretaker, comforter, motivater, and inspiration for how we can live our life here on earth.

I hope this can be a vessel for that kind of growth for you and for me.

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